Va-cayman-tion 2012: The Cruisening: Day 6 - Grand Cayman

Due to a lot of strange things in my brain, not limited to the news story of that man eating that guy's face off, I had a dream that I ate S. Epatha Merkerson, and I did a really terrible job of hiding the body. I was really wasteful when I think about it, because I really only ate her calf, and the wrapped the rest in saran wrap and threw her in a dumpster. And I was caught and going to prison, because shock of shocks, my finger prints were everywhere. I can't even remember the last time I saw an episode of Law & Order, so why the image of her? I say image because the woman looked nothing like her, I just know in my dream it was supposed to be her.

Anyway, we had to order room service to get an early start again. This time they brought the toast in pairs, but thinking last night they wouldn't, I ordered two, and consequently got four pieces of toast.

Getting off the boat was quite the ordeal as the cruise ship had to be moored some distance offshore, and there was no pier long enough to stretch, which is surprising. You'd think they would be all over that, but why have a pier where people can just walk to shore? It's better yet to have boats that can handle 150 people and take 45 minutes to load travel the 500 yards to shore and unload. It makes so much sense for the end of the day, too, to make everyone waiting on the pier in the hot, hot sun as they slowly load the boats. What kind of Disney ride is this?

We had good timing as we were among the last few people aboard the boat, so we walked downstairs, walked right through the checkpoint, and walked on to the boat, which immediately left and dumped us on the docks of Georgetown. There was some tourist trap shops, and LOTS of people trying to get you to go on their tour. If you get on shore and want to go on a tour and can't find one, there is something wrong with you. These people are every five feet and yelling their pitch at anyone who will hear. Which is everyone because they are loud.

We got there very early because there was a little bit of confusion between "ship time" and "island time" and what our tickets said, but we passed the time by wandering around the market which was itself a big tourist trap. There were plenty of trashy things to do, buy discounted watches, diamonds, and tanzanite (which I had never even heard of until this trip, but apparently people love this shit). You could buy various art things, Swarovski crystal in the shape of an elephant or a tiger (as Anna says, klassy (yes, with a 'K')), duty free liquor, and various tourist crap. You could go to a fancy I-talian restaurant, or you could drink breakfast at Margaritaville (tempting, I will admit).

We walked by the shore, remarking at the blue clear water, wanting to jump in it. It was really, hot and humid, moreso than any place we have ever been. There were beaches that were roped off, and little reef/coral rocks you could walk out on and watch little crab walking all creepily sideways. Crabs are creepy. They are just an underwater spider with claws. Strange. I'm able to dismiss that image entirely when I eat them.

We wandered away from the main drag and back a couple of blocks and found a chachka shop filled with all kinds of junk I would never buy, and further down the street a small park that consisted of a tree and around this tree, more wild chickens. I had a moment with one of the chicks, slightly older than a peep-chick, and almost all its baby fuzz gone. It looked at me and cocked its head. No pun intended. I tried to whistle at it at the same pitch, but ultimately I don't speak chicken, and I'm pretty sure it spoke only Castilian Spanish. I think it was swearing at me as we left, and then it hailed a cab.

Thankfully our tour started and we headed back to the tourist trap at the port. At the check in we were assigned to a bus and seated behind us was this amazing looking family. They were so good looking, they could have been models. I poked them to see if they were made of cardboard. They weren't. The husband was of Asian descent and had an athletic build, and the wife was black and had these uniquely shaped eyes and a gorgeous smile. I thought she might be Jamaican or from one of the islands, but I didn't ask; she sounded American. They had two boys, one was about seven and the other was an infant. Even the kids could have been child models; they were really adorable. God, it was annoying.

Our first stop was the glass-bottomed boat, which was a pseudo sub. We drove over two shipwrecks and a big reef. We saw tons of fish, a barracuda, a sting ray, sponges, corals, and more fish. It was very Finding Nemo. The announcer or excursion narrator, or as I like to call him, Captain Screamypants, was loud. He was very, very islander. Lots of "ya mon," and he had an interesting accent. I imagine that in the privacy of his home, his real accent is either proper British, or Texas.

Our bus driver and tour guide was Damion and he was from Jamaica originally. He riled us up by getting us to respond "ya mon" to everything he said. He really was from Jamaica, though so I didn't imagine him at home with a totally western accent. But it's funny to imagine. The next stop was Hell. This was a place where a bunch of jagged, black limestone rocks protrude from the ground across a section of land in a creepy and interesting way. It would have been more severe had the entire thing not be lined with greenery. Apparently this place is really cool at sunset, but we only had 15 minutes, and it was all we needed. There is a small wooden walkway and a badly painted standup devil with a speech bubble saying 'Welcome to Hell!' It was a little anti climactic, since what I was picturing was way more amazing than this, but I think of attraction, and I think Disney, and I have been spoiled by quality.

In their gift shop, we asked the lady if they stamp passports. She said they weren't supposed to, but as she was saying no, pulled out her stamp and pad. So now my passport shows that I have been to hell in the Cayman Islands. Gregory also bought a Cayman Island dollar. It has the Queen on one side. Helloooo!

The next stop was the Tortuga Rum factory. I wish there was more of a tour of this place with a little history and a cheesy photo op, than just dumping us at the gift shop to sample and buy. But the samples were awesome, so we bought. Rum cake party when we get back!

Next stop was the most amazing thing and worth the trip to the Cayman Islands, quite possibly the entire cruise. As in I want to come back here and do this again, but spend all day, because apparently we only saw part of the park: The Cayman Island Turtle Farm. First of all, my experience with turtles is ordinarily chocolatey with pecan clusters, or the turtles have been small and not particularly friendly. These turtles were HUGE!!! And they were so cute all swimming around with their flippers and looking around with their turtle faces. We made our way over to the younger turtles that were a little smaller and they were hilarious. Damion reached in the water and pulled one out by the shell and it started to "swim" away from him, its flippers going crazy. He handed it to someone, and as they took it, he started to gently stroke its chin and neck, and it immediately stopped flailing and stayed there docile and content to be held and petted. The shells are so cool feeling as is their scaly skin, and this kind of animal is so foreign to my simple cat-dog universe, it was fucking awesome to hold a turtle!

I want one.

Right after that, we went to the cafe and had turtle burgers.

Here's the thing about that: you don't need to do this. You can do this, but it's not like meeting a cow and then having filet mignon. You will not be wowed by the experience because turtle, although apparently quite healthy and it does has a nice flavor (it does NOT taste like chicken), is tough like a shoe. There is nothing chicken-like about this experience. Do it if you must, but I'm Switzerland here.

Incidentally there were iguanas everywhere, not just in the park, but wild, like the chickens. We would be driving by and see several on people's roofs, in gardens, or in their driveway.

Sadly our excursion was over, though not after Damion showed us a couple of homes for sale (3 bedroom condo for 650k) since some of the people on the tour were asking about real estate (show offs!), and he also drove us past the ridiculously lavish Ritz Carlton hotel and golf course. Amazing! looking… because I don't play golf, so… pretty!

As a side note we drove past the world-famous Seven Mile Beach (which is only five and half miles, but whatever), and what we were able to see of it, did not scream out best of the best beaches. And like downtown Georgetown, at the port we were just not impressed with it. We imagined that something like THE CAYMAN ISLANDS RESORT would be a lot nicer, more posh, more polished, not as dumpy as it is. The Turtle Farm by contrast, was very nice and I look forward to returning there someday.

When we returned to the ship we went our separate ways to nap, Gregory and Jill to their respective rooms and I went to the deck to work on my tan while I snoozed. But I started doing that almost asleep jerk violently awake due to squirrel attack. I realized too that the ship had turned and my sun was now gone. I have the kind of skin that can tan in the shade, but I decided to move nonetheless and went up to the back of the ship to catch the last rays of the sun before it disappeared into the slightly overcast sky.

We didn't see the sunset since our room now faces north as we head toward Jamaica and Ocho Rios. We ate dinner in the buffet tonight instead of our assigned table, and it was good for a change. I tried not to eat too much, but might have tipped it ever so slightly. The wind really picked up toward the end of the day, and the ship has been rocking gently back and forth, just enough to make you think you are drunk already. I did my best to limit it to one bottle of wine for today. Tomorrow is a very early day: up at 7, ready to walk out the door at 7:30 since our excursion begins at 8.

Grand Cayman Turtle Farm

Grand Cayman Dock

Va-cayman-tion 2012: The Cruisening: Day 5 - A Day At Sea

Today nothing happened. It was the trip from Key West to Grand Cayman, which apparently takes two days when you drive your hotel at 25mph. I'm sure the speed limit on the ocean is faster than that, but for some reason hotel no want to faster go. Since there was nothing going on today, I awoke leisurely at 8AM to go to the gym. Had to give one of the hamsters a break for a few minutes anyway. Hey who knows how long it would take us to get there if this hotel suffers from hamster strain. I refuse to be held responsible.

I have no pretense that my workouts are really doing anything for me. But I'm trying to combat some of the bad caloric choices I have made--mostly alcohol related--I'm sure in vain. Plus there are some seriously nice bodies on this ship, and it is really tough to compete with that. I'm convinced this one guy has a 24 inch waist and shoulders as wide as the doorway. He has to turn sideways to get through the door. His abs make a ringing sound like an Indian bell tree--you know like, "you will know when it's time to turn the page?" Only this is more like, "You will know when it's time to put down your second plate of pizza, fatty."

So we ate breakfast and afterward Jill split up from us and went to wander around on her own, as did we. We lazed on the deck for a while, sat in a hot tub. The day was overcast and was becoming overcasterer, and as we sat in the tub, nearing a bank of particularly forbidding clouds, I began to wonder how likely it was that the ship was creating any special kind of static electricity, and would that be enough to result in a lightning strike, and would it really hit the highest point in the boat, or would it go for the place where it was most likely to conduct. I became increasingly more convinced that we would be cooked in the hot tub like people soup and started to picture the headlines on that one, imagining the grief, confusion, and absurdity of dying from a lightning strike to the cruise ship hot tub.

Eventually it was time for our food and wine pairing. It was taught by the ship's sommelier and it was really informative. He showed us five wines, a Riesling, Pinot Grigio, Chenin Blanc, Bordeaux, and a Chianti. They served a plate with a small piece of steak, salmon, a cracker with brie cheese, a slice of apple, wedges of lemon and lime, a strawberry and a blueberry on top of some orange marmalade and small teaspoon with some very course ground salt. We would taste a bit of something, then sip the wine and he would demonstrate combinations that both worked well, and didn't work at all. Some that made the wines taste really horrible, which was very illuminating to me, and really valuable as a lesson. It made me wonder that while I ate the cheese with certain wines that perhaps I didn't have the right kind of cheese, or perhaps that wine shouldn't be paired with cheese at all and that I should have fruit, or something more savory instead. I say that because I have had some terrible wines, and while I'm not fully convinced the wines weren't terrible of themselves, it is possible I didn't do anything to help their case.

The tasting was in the fancy steak restaurant and I felt underdressed as I was the only person there in my swim trunks and a tank top, though this was at two in the afternoon, and what did they expect? I had just come from poolside where I was slamming Rum and pineapple juice. I did mention I was working on my figure.

I wish I understood wines more, and this is of course a step to learning, but it is often so hard to figure out all the flavors the wines evoke. People were getting almond here and licorice there. I was getting notes of wine. The Chenin Blanc was my favorite by far. It was sweet and fruity, but complex and the sommelier classified it as a medium body wine. The Riesling was nice, but it just tasted like a Riesling. The Pinot Grigio was okay, but dry. Not sweet at all, and just very blah, even with the pairing. The two reds, the Bordeaux and the Chianti didn't work for either of us. I think we are too infantile in our oenology to get European wines. I think they may rely more on the pairing of food than California wines. They are complex, and just need more attention than I'm willing to give right now. Maybe someday I'll be ready to invest more time and energy. The other problem is that many of the French wines they sell in the states are second rate, ones they don't want or couldn't sell locally, or mixed with petrol (which I believe is a European varietal). France keeps its best wine for its citizens. So the chances of finding a good French wine in the states already seems like the cards are not in your favor.

After lunch, we decided to have lunch. The food on the plate at the wine pairing wasn't quite enough to satiate us until dinner, so a sandwich was in order. We stopped by the deli, as that seemed more appetizing than the pizza place. I have seen so many people walking around with huge plates of bread covered in cheesy melty, but as good as that sounds, the sight of it it really made me ill. I saw a woman--not a big woman--who had the equivalent of regular price $4, $4, $4, $4 on a tray sitting alone, and clearly had an evening planned. Or a last evening. I looked around for a defibrillator, but didn't see one. Not that I've been looking but I haven't seen her since.

What was I saying? Oh, I had a pastrami on rye and Gregory had a Ruben. It was simple and good.

Afterward Gregory returned to the room for a nap until it was time for dinner, and I decided to wander around some more. The clouds had gathered enough to close the top on one of the pools. I settled onto one of the lounges and found myself falling asleep. But I wasn't quite comfortable enough to sleep, and I kept doing that jerking thing where just before you nod off, you kick your leg or suddenly twitch your arm violently, then you try to play it off all cool. Yes, I clearly meant to lie still and then unexpectedly spasm like I had been hit out of nowhere with a cartoon taser. I got up and had a drink at the bar and watched some straight guys antic-ing around the pool. It was a welcome change from the cleavage parade I've been experiencing all week. But eventually I got bored with that, and decided to start some conversation with some people hanging out near the bar. They weren't interested in being friendly, or maybe I came off as creepy (totally a possibility--I'm not above admitting that), so I headed up to another deck. The wind was picking up and it was definitely going to rain at some point. I decided to head back to the room and ran into Jill.

It had been a couple hours since our lunch and Jill had had nothing and was hungry. Gregory had just woken up and we headed up so she could get some lunch. After, we walked around the upper deck while it rained gently (not the downpour I expected), and we just chatted about life and nothing in particular. It was close enough to dinner time that we decided to get ready. Tonight was "elegant fancy night" where we had to dress up for dinner. I guess it is more fun to eat lobster in a suit and tie. The only thing more fun than that is a little surf and turf with an extra plate of surf. Stuff yourself until your buttons pop. We may be off the coast of Cuba, but while you're on the ship, you're in A-mur-ukuh. We had alligator that had been deep fried and served with some kind of pickled veggie / tomato sauce something that was delicious, but completely overpowered the reptile. I was looking forward to experiencing the flavor, but it's not that it tasted like chicken, it just tasted like "fried with sauce." Then I had a strawberry mint bisque. It tasted like melted strawberry ice cream with delicious moments of fresh mint, interesting, but I'mma say fail on that. Because while it was fancy, it really did taste EXACTLY like melted ice-cream. For the main course, Gregory ordered prime rib and I had a plate of lobster and shrimp. Jill ordered a second plate of lobster and offered to split it with me. I accepted, though I shouldn't have. You can have too much of a good thing. At the time it's amazing, but sadly, I had no room for dessert. Because in A-mur-ukuh, you have cherries jubilee or spiced apple puffed pastry or molten choco brûlée whip alamode cake pie after your nightly Thanksgiving snow-shoveling of entrees and sides, and wash it down with a diet coke*, because I'm on a diet.

I decided to exit the restaurant early and go to the GLBT meet-up in the wine bar to meet the four other gay people on this cruise. Needless to say, this is a strange feeling that here we are, such a tiny group of people. It was both vindicating and disappointing. I have a lot of conflicting emotions about hanging out here, so I don't have too much to say about this other than I had an occasion to try the Hess 2009 Cabernet Sauvignon, which we have a bottle at home. Unfortunately by now, my palette was shot and I couldn't even bring myself to finish it. It just didn't taste like anything. I suppose it doesn't pair well with frustration.

I decided to come back to the room and write this. Gregory and Jill went to the jazz show, which was apparently only so-so. Great band, marginal singing and dancing. The Ahmanson Theatre has spoiled us. Tomorrow Grand Cayman, and it's going to be an early start.

*DISCLAIMER: This was a joke. I don't soft drinks. I hate diet coke because it sucks and it's horrible and there is nothing remotely redeeming or healthy about this or any soft drink beverage.

Cruise Vacation Sunset Pics

Wine Tasting & Food Pairing

Va-cayman-tion 2012: The Cruisening: Day 4 - Key West

Today, our breakfast began as I wish most breakfasts did: complimentary room service. The menu was limited, but we selected a few things. Gregory lavishly asked for TWO salmon plates and a bagel and TWO cream cheeses. I pish-poshed that idea and ordered a yogurt and whole wheat toast. By the time it was lunch, I was fucking starving. The yogurt was about half the size of a human yogurt, and by your order of whole wheat toast, they assume you mean one, as in a plate with a single slice of whole wheat toast on it. Is there anyone who doesn't get bread in a pair? I can understand if it's really thick French toast, and then you might have only one slice, but come on. Bread slices come in pairs. Which brings me to Why, Orowheat? Why do you slice your loaves into odd numbers? I always throw away the nastiest heel, but still, who out there uses one slice of Orowheat at a time? You advertise yourself as sandwich bread, but you are smaller than average sandwich bread, so maybe you should change your marketing to Finger Sandwich Bread.

I am digressing. We needed room service in order for us to be ready to go for the first of our three stops: Key West, Florida.

The area of town as soon as you exit is a big tourist trap, however there are some things that make it unique. First of all, there are wild chickens everywhere. And a lot of the hens also had baby chicks that were peeping adorably. It is hard for a baby chick to do anything not adorable. Oh! It's shitting on me, oh! it's pecking the eyes out of that dead raccoon, oh! it is stealing my identity and charging up my credit card, but it is so cute with its wittle yellow fuzzy feathers!

And there were roosters, complete with pinky shiv, some with a big bravado announcement of sunrise, a big ole cock-a-doodle-doo, to you Mr. Tourist. Um, it's noon dumbass. Other roosters sounded like they were in the process of being slowly run over with a steam roller. Like that dog toy the dog has all but destroyed, where it once made a piercing squeak, now a brittle wheeze that can signal only one thing: failure.

We walked down one of the main streets, stopping occasionally into all the crap-shops (not that the shops themselves were crap, but they sold lots of crap), browsing a menu, since we all knew we would have to eat at some point, and keeping a lookout for spontaneous points of interest.

We walked down toward the end of the street to The Southermost Point of the Continental United States. If you didn't read that in a god voice with lots of reverb, try it again. But just before we got there, we stopped into a butterfly shop. Jill loves butterflies (and turtles and hummingbirds), and I was like, whatever. They had a bunch of dead ones on a variety of beautiful, however grim, displays, and it was really neat to see. Well it turned out this place was more than just a chachka shop. It was also a conservancy and for $12, you can walk through the garden habitat.

Do this.

Do not miss doing this.

I was skeptical at first, but I was thinking, well, it might be kind of cool, lot of butterflies and all. I can tell you, it's cool. It's awesome, in fact. Being surrounded by butterflies is a little bit magical, having these bright colors flitting and flashing all around you. It's kind of like being in a fairy wonderland. That might have turned some of you off, but this experience is really cool. There is something about it that doesn't quite seem real, but it is something that exists in nature.

After this we begrudgingly left to get on with our day and we walked down to the end of the street to find a large cheaply painted buoy with the phrase, Southernmost Point of the U.S. on it. The line was really long to get your photo taken in front of this thing, so we passed on that and stood in front of the fence. So the pictures where we look like prisoners in a seaside reformery, are actually us standing at the southernmost point in the continental United States. Technically there was a rock that jutted out into the ocean, and I could have stood on that, but that would have involved scaling the fence, and I'm guessing due to the existence of the fence, it's not allowed.

Next was lunch, which I needed badly. I even paid $3 for a coconut in the interim, which a guy hastily drilled a hole into and then jammed a straw in the hole and handed to me. It was refreshing and delicious, but it wouldn't sustain me for long. We ended up at a restaurant and bar called Sweet Tea. I got meat loaf because I wanted a meal, dammit! It came with some of the best mashed potatoes I have ever had. Not too smooth, not too lumpy, buttery, and with skins, plus it was made of red potatoes. Gregory ordered a white-truffle mac and cheese that was sooo good.

After a quick re-application of sunblock, we rolled out into the sweltering humidity and headed for the Hemingway House. I had some cats to see! And they were all polydactyl. No not pterodactyl. We weren't be dive bombed by winged cats, though that would have really livened up Hemingway as an author for Michael Bay to adapt to the screen. It was a really neat experience and there were many cats, however none of them wanted to cuddle, and you're not supposed to cuddle with them, or touch them or pick them up. How in the hell am i supposed to cuddle with them, then? They were sleepy, and couldn't seem to be bothered anyway, probably because it was 90 degrees and 100% humidity and they are in Key West wearing a fur coat.

It was nearing time to return to the ship, so we walked back, but before we journeyed aboard, we stopped at a toy shop in the tourist trap. It was pretty cool, but most of the toys were for young children. HOWEVER, the merch was not the draw to this place. It turned out the shop owners had a KIKACHU, which was this cute little animal, the likes of which I have never before seen nor heard. It was a little cat-like, and about the size of a cat, but it had some slight monkey-like features. It was a little girl and she was fuzzy and adorable, but very shy and basically squirmed out of her owner's arms and ran to the cash wrap, and hid in the shelf with the cash drawer. Occasionally peeking her little face out. I wanted a picture, I wanted to hold it, and I wanted it. Add it to the list of animals that I'll have in my private zoo someday. Hopefully the tiger won't eat it.

We returned to the ship and opened up a bottle of William Hill Merlot 2006. Lots of berries (raspberry and cherry) and a very nice finish. It is surprisingly big for a Merlot. I look forward to trying it tomorrow when it is fully open. After dinner, we attended one of the cruise shows: the Newlywed Game, and they had a newly wed couple, a couple married 25 years, and a couple married 50 years. This was one of the funniest things I have seen in my life. My face and voice hurt from laughing and screaming. If you have an opportunity to see something like this, you won't regret it. Unless you have no sense of humor, like the people in front of us, in which case, there's no hope for you to survive the zombie apocalypse, so start eating a lot of barbecue sauce and begin the marinating process now, because, you are going to be good eatin'.

Tomorrow is a full day at sea as we work our way toward Grand Cayman. So I plan to do a lot of nothing tomorrow, maybe sun, maybe swim, maybe sit and stare at the water.

Oh! the water! last thing, where we are off the coast of Florida, the water has this deep navy blue color to it. It is beautiful. It's how water is supposed to look. When we first took off from the coast of Florida it was teal, but here it's almost indigo, it's so dark blue. Beautiful to watch a gold and red sun sink into. Good night.

Butterfly at the conservation center

If you ever come to Key West, visiting this place is a must.

At the southernmost point

Gregory and Jill at the southernmost point of the continental United States.

Joe at the Butterfly Conservative

Va-cayman-tion 2012: The Cruisening: Day 3 - Ft Lauderdale to Key West

Day 3 - from Ft Lauderdale to Key West

You are the small fragments of stone and sand and shell
and the water can't decide if I should have you,
as it pulls you from under my feet and like a child
brings you back

The morning began with a very Nana breakfast. I love being fussed over and I think she enjoys fussing over her family a little. I think every mother does. There's something in their nature to care for people. Though I found it strange how she rushed us out the door and slammed it behind us. I think she was glad to see us leave.

As we packed the car, we could hear what sounded like Nana chanting in the distance and--was that burning sage I smelled? Whatever.

We set out for the car rental return and I was lamenting having pre-paid for a tank of gas to realize we had only used about a third. It's hard to gauge how far one will drive in Florida. It would be easier if there were any fucking mountains in this godforsaken shithole. I mean, gosh! who knows how--oh fuck it. Get some landmarks! I read somewhere the highest point in Florida is the Everest Ride in Orlando (right after I wrote it).

Getting on to the cruise ship is a line-a-palooza. You stand in line to check your bags, then you stand in line for security to approve your worthiness, then you stand in a line to go through the actual checkpoint machine, then you stand in a line to get your room assignment, then you stand in a line to get on the ship, then you stand in a line to get food because by now it has been eight hours and people are dropping dead all around you from starvation. Kidding. Half the people on cruises are from the mid west. We just eat them for sustenance. You'd be surprised how far a woman in her 30's will go. I'd wager we fed twelve people before we had to start eating her offspring.

Finally on the boat, our luggage was going to be delivered to our rooms, right after they went through it and tried on all our underwear. Many of the waitstaff are Asian, so I imagine they try to see how many of them can fit in just one pair. I'm sure three maids and one steward can fit in a pair of BVD's from Alabama.

So we eat the food and drink the drinks and finally the ship embarks from its… holding place, and we go up to the top and take a bunch of pictures. It is actually really beautiful.

My biggest concern with being on the boat was getting motion sick. So, naturally, I decide to go to the gym, while Gregory and his mom went to light the shopping scene. It is a very strange experience to run on a treadmill while on a ship. I feel like I'm giving one of the hamsters in the engine room a break. It seemed like there were a lot of people there, and I'm not sure if that's just a first day thing, or what. We'll see how many returning faces I see throughout the week. And I didn't barf! Yay me!

We were late for dinner which we thought would start anytime after 8:15, but apparently it starts right at 8:15. We tried to get to know our table mates, but I'll have to talk more about them later, as I can't exactly recall their names, what they do, or where they are from. I sat next to a nice girl. That's about all I know.

After dinner there was an Opening Night Welcome Spectacular, which featured hot chick dancers with prominent cleavage and some guys that were so-so dancers (it was the floor show equivalent to straight-porn), and a couple singers, and a couple of comedians, all accompanied by a really great big band (also a lot like porn).

After that we decided to head over to the comedy club, to see one of the comedians full acts. It got really awkward when he asked, "Who here supports same sex marriage?" And the three of us were the only people in our section that clapped and hollered. Everyone else was silent. Same with the "Who here thinks gays should be able to serve in the military?" Though they laughed at all the punchlines, though, like "think of how fabulous the parades will be."

Seriously? That joke isn't even that funny. I could give a fuck about designing a float.

It occurred to me that a number of people in that section probably agreed with that preacher that gay people should be corralled into concentration camps. I don't have a stick up my ass about making fun of people, or being racist for comedy's sake, or whatever. Go 1st amendment, for real. Say all the shit you want to say, good, bad, ugly, hurtful, shameful, degrading, funny, sexy, supportive, endearing. It's just when you are in a room full of hostile people who don't think you deserve any rights as a human being, and you can FEEL it, there is something wrong with that situation.

So we jumped over two sections and exited with other people who were applauding their support, or indifference--because really, who gives a fuck? Honestly, if you care that much, you… need a hobby… or else, is there something you'd like to tell us?

By this point, I was exhausted and it was time for bed. So we went gambling at the casino. Gregory had received a free $5 coupon for the roulette table, so he got some chips, and it was fun.

I kind of wanted to get drunk after the whole comedy club thing, but, Ugh! Calories! Besides, I'd rather spend those delicious little dollars on real key-lime pie tomorrow.

Just before bed, I stood out on the balcony and just listened to the ship cutting through the waves, and churning the wake. It was so warm and humid, a light breeze and no jacket needed at 1AM. Just the sea and the stars. I'm starting to get the draw, Jack Sparrow.

Internet service for the remainder of the trip will be intermittent. There will be daily updates written, but they will possibly be posted in groups. Internet service is available, but expensive and roaming charges are somewhere around $495/MB or something like that.

Va-cayman-tion 2012: The Cruisening: Day 2 - The Beach

Today started off with a family breakfast at Benny's on the Beach. It was fairly typical what you'd expect for breakfast fare, however Gregory ordered crab cake benedict and that was amazing. I hate benedicts because I'm not a fan of liquid chickens, much less having them ooze all over my food, but this was amazing to the point, were I to return there, I would order this. I would just have to find a way beyond imagining their little faces dribbling across my plate.

It was nice to see Ace, Karen and their son Michael again, and to meet Michael's family. Carla, his wife was charming, and their two little girls were adorable. The older one was in the quiet, shy-around-strangers phase (and I don't blame her. who, really, is stranger than your relatives? it's best to say as little as possible), and the younger one was in the noisy, gregarious infant stage. I don't mind kids making noise if it's happy noise. If it's annoying or they are old enough to know better, their parents need to threaten them with exile in the spider closet. Or I will. Are you listening parents? I hope so, or get ready for years of therapy.

"mommy that stranger said you'd lock me in the spider closet."

"we don't have a spider closet."

"he said you'd say that!"

There's an idea in there somewhere for a twisted superhero.

We checked back in with Nana after breakfast. She didn't join us as she wasn't feeling well, so we stopped by her apartment to see her and change for the beach. She was feeling better, but contemplated taking a nap in order to feel well enough to join us for dinner. She wasn't interested in the beach, since the bright sunlight mixed with her macular degeneration makes it difficult for her to see anything at all. It's like having a constant glare in your eyes, so she keeps her apartment fairly dark. Girl after my own heart.

We slathered on sunblock, which must have contained zinc since it turned my pale skin even paler, it looked like I was going for that certain undead look, and changed and set out for Spanish River Park. I was concerned that being the Saturday of a holiday weekend that it would be completely full, but it was surprisingly empty and remained so all afternoon.

Florida beaches are quite nice, particularly around Ft. Lauderdale and Boca Raton (which I like to call by it's literal translation Rat Mouth, yep, real good ta' be back in ol' Rat Mouth!).  The sand is fine and littered with shells, and the water is blue and warm. You can just walk right in and it's shallow for quite a ways out. It is just a very nice experience. We spent the afternoon just listening to the waves and soaking up the warm humid sun.

It was a beautiful afternoon. We talked, sipped on water, ate some crackers, stared at the people braver than us. Wow, she's wearing a thong. Alright. No judgement. You go girl. Whew! Okay just a little bit of judgement: damn, baby! Are you sure? Okay, okay. If you feel sexy you go right on ahead.

The only bummer is that I burned my feet. I don't know why I have a block on adequately protecting the tops of my feet. About eight years ago or so, I burned the tops of my feet very badly: second-degree burns, that blistered up and I couldn't properly wear shoes for weeks. Today wasn't nearly as bad as that, but still they all red and hurty, and on the first day!

After the beach we stopped by a Dunkin Donuts for a donut. Gregory and his mom each got one. I refrained. I honestly don't get the draw to Dunkin, but then I'm not a big donut person anyway. I did have a bite of a raspberry filled something, and while Gregory was oohing and ahhhing over it, I just didn't get what the big deal was. Sorry to Dunkin fans out there. You should be thanking me. More for you.

Dinner was at the Longhorn Steak House, which I'm guessing is similar to the Outback. I got a rare prime rib as did Gregory and it was very, very good, bordering on great. Nana was feeling better by then, and joined us for dinner, as did Ace and Karen, and we had a very nice time.

After dinner Gregory decided he wanted to see a movie and so we saw Men In Black 3 in 3D. It was a very nice way to wind down the day. Tomorrow we get on a boat!

Va-cayman-tion 2012: The Cruisening: Day 1 - LA to FLA

The first thing I think of when I'm sick of LA (that's Los Angeles, not Louisiana and no, I'm not going start putting L. A. to differentiate), is F LA. And that leads me to FLA, as in Florida, and then to the sandy beaches of Fort Lauderdale, and then to thoughts of Nana, whom we haven't seen for years. We were faced with a dilemma this year, to travel to a friend's wedding or to put the money toward a trip to see Nana. These are dear friends starting their lives together and even though we don't see them often, it was really difficult to decide.

We ultimately decided to put the money on Nana and she promptly collapsed under the weight. Next time bills, not nickels.

It is actually a good thing we did not attend our friends wedding as my family experienced a sudden tragedy that same week, in the death of my uncle, and we would not have been able to attend the wedding since we would have to divert our plans to be able to attend the memorial service, which happened the day prior. There's no way we would have been able to be there for the family in the way we needed to be and still make it from North-Eastern Nevada to Minneapolis Minnesota in time.

So once the decision was made, our Florida trip did expand beyond a simple family visit, partially because we can't do anything simple, no matter how much I try. So after a few days catching up and welcomingly disrupting Nana's day to day, we are setting out on a cruise with stops in Key West, Grand Cayman, and the apparently most homo-hostile place on earth outside of the middle east, Jamaica (which is where they actually make abs. Ironic.).

Getting ready for a week-long vacation is always a task best left until the last possible minute. Because why would i want to even consider in advance that changing the cat box requires cat litter? So leave it another week for our intrepid cat-sitter to enjoy, or hop in that time machine and go to Costco the night before? And I always have a million things to do, which never get done. It is more exciting to try and figure out how to clean up the cat bathroom, while packing, deciding whether or not I should cut my hair, make a new YouTube video, and try to reorganize my life, wondering if I should clean out the cable bins I've been meaning to get to for the last few years, or if that wall would look nice in a deep soldier blue.

Did I mention it is already 10:30 pm when the madness starts? And where did the earlier part of the evening go you ask? We were hanging out with friends, of course. Why focus on the task at hand when we can instead drink a casual glass of wine with our meat salad and some lively conversation? And why stop at dinner? Why not order dessert? Oh! Yes! Because I'm leaving town tomorrow, for a week, and have million things to do, but let's not order it from here, for the sake of convenience. Let's drive half way across Los Angeles, to our favorite hole in the wall in Beverly Hils and spend $50 on cake.

In all seriousness, we were entertaining some friends from out of town and this was the only night they were available. I will gladly sacrifice a measure of sanity it if gets me more face time with people I care about. At least I did laundry the night before. My craziness is only temporary anyway. At least Gregory hopes it is.

After 12 years, he knows it isn't.

Which is why we were meant for each other. Or doomed. Horribly, lovingly doomed.

At 7:30AM, we oozed through 405 traffic, wondering at several points if we should have given ourselves an additional half hour, or better yet, if we should have packed prior to meeting our friends and just drive straight to LAX and slept in the car (we could have gotten that left over cake to go and just had it for breakfast, or used it as a bargaining chip, against any angry homeless people (they get angrier the closer you get to the airport)).

It ended up only taking an hour to get to LAX, which was a pleasant surprise. We had a Groupon for a car-rental place, but they were full, so we immediately hopped over to our old standby The Parking Spot. One of our shuttle mates was born from the ashes, no not the Phoenix kind, the unfiltered kind. Made me wish I had one of those You-Reek-A shirts, so I could have at least gotten something out of the experience. Our flight was on Virgin America, which is a strange novelty airline experience. Sadly we didn't have seats together (though Gregory was probably thankful for a moment's reprieve from my endless tirade).

It was a quick flight, but my seat was uncomfortable, and I was surrounded by these "pretty girls." I don't quite know how to categorize them. They were very chic and pretty and a little bitchy and I think had fake boobs. I found them a little appalling, but some of the other guys kept trying to talk to them. I have a feeling the girls were nice and engaging since they knew the ritual would end when the flight did.

We arrived in one piece which basically will earn any Airline five stars from me. Satisfied at our whole, unbloodied personness and the extreme present quality of our luggage, we met Gregory's mom, Jill, at the rental car counter, picked up our full-size Ford Escape (the car that says, get me the fuck away from here! (that really should be their tagline)), and headed to Nana's.

it's a short drive and she had dinner prepared for us when we arrived. It was great to catch up, and after dinner Jill shared her pictures of their recent Grand Canyon trip, We had seen most of them, so Gregory and I ran down to the beach to stand in the surf for just a couple of minutes. The guy was nice enough to let us park for free since the park was closing in 15 minutes, so we just walked out to the beach, which was completely dark, and stood there in the warm surf surrounded by thick 82-fahrenheit-degree air (at 10PM) while the warm water washed up around our feet.

A little glass of Chalone 2009 Merlot (undecanted, so a little tanniny), and a small dish of ice cream (where Nana tried to fatten me up by pulling out the chocolate syrup, the butterscotch topping and my arch nemesis: the Nutella. She clearly wants to cook and eat me.) We wrapped up a long day of travel. It's nice to have this brief moment of rest before the excitement of the week begins.

Somebody I Used To Know - Take 2

Amazing Yosemite Time Laps

If only we had a yard

Of Monsters and Men - Little Talks

Amazing visuals and enjoyable song also...

Gotye - Somebody That I Used To Know (feat. Kimbra)

Day 1 in Napa

Here is the first day in Napa as seen by Beth :-)



Check out her travel, food and drinkin' blog at http://busybethfisher.blogspot.com/

Day 2 in Napa

Here is a video our good friend Beth made of Day 2 in Napa from our Christmas trip.

"8": A Play about the Fight for Marriage Equality

Really enjoyed this...

The Aurora

The Aurora from TSO Photography on Vimeo.

Fun new Laundromat Video from Andrew Christian

Freshman Car Wash - Andrew Christian Style

Check out what my Blue Ford Focus was up to on Monday...

Boom

Oh, the Places You'll Go at Burning Man!

Can't wait to go...

New Years Trip: Days 6 & 7: Family Visit and Return Home

There isn't too much to say about our sixth day of travel as most of the traveling was from the sofa to the goody tray, occasionally to the restroom, and back to the sofa. It was a family day, spent enjoying each other's company. We ate a bunch of delicious holiday goodies, and drank warming brandy drinks.

Embarrassing losses: Rummikub twice to my sister, Apples to Apples once to David. The pictionary game was a forfeit on all sides. Notable accomplishments include: consumed three glasses of wine, a huge slab of delicious prime rib, six slices of two kinds of fruitcake, four pieces of fudge, and two Irish coffees and a Tom & Jerry.

We just talked, and chatted, and gabbed, and gossiped, and caught up, chewed the fat, shot the breeze, talked some smack, and made kindling from the throw pillows (pretty sure that last one is a Native American term). There was no drama, just laughter and fun. It is interesting to consider family dynamics and how they have developed over the years. My nieces and nephew are grown (they are at very least adult-like and/or close enough), and this is the first holiday season without my grandpa, who died at the end of August. That also means that Patsy was able to travel as she often stayed in Elko so grandpa wasn't alone. It was just good for everyone to be together.

Day 7 began with a quick breakfast at my sisters (bagels and smoked salmon (the salmon caught by Ron, smoked by Jill--delicious!), whereafter we packed up some xmas gifts and departed exactly on time.

There wasn't anything particularly notable about the return trip with the exception of our route. We took the 395 back to Los Angeles which is a lovely drive, but not one you would want to make in the winter, without chains or snow tires, anyway. This year, however, there was no snow at all. There were a few small skiffs near Mammoth, but the remaining landscape was barren and wintry sans a blanket of snow. Good for driving, but bad for picturesque wintry landscapes. Regardless of this, there were many vista points and we took advantage of them all.

We stopped in Bishop at the world-famous Eric Schat's Bakkery. And apparently someone mentioned this to the world since most of the regional population was here including passers-by and most of Phoenix. The sandwiches were okay. The bread is good, but it doesn't play a huge part. Uniformly thin-sliced and very light, it is easily over powered by the sandwich contents. The clam chowder was just awful. We all agreed the memory of fisherman's wharf and the clam chowder sampling had stomped this thin, flavorless, generally "not good" clam chowder back into its shell.

This bakkery, or as we say in America, bakery, is full of various breads, plain, savory, and sweet. Buy the bread and just get a to-go sandwich. If you want to stand in the line, which is probably not that bad on a non-holiday weekend, there are many sandwiches, hot and cold, to choose from. They have a deal on half a sandwich and soup, but only certain sandwiches qualify, so be read carefully or you will end up like me, saddled with 16 ounces of boring clam chowder, and paying for it ala carte. Options are limited in Bishop, since the other option was KFC. Choose the Bakkery.

We drove along the sierras as the light faded, and all details of the foothills became a mountainy silhouette against a purply bluish sky. The sunset was lovely, reinforced the promised 84 degree January day tomorrow. We returned safe and sound to our homes and cars which were thankfully not burned by the mentally ill angry German tourist.

It was a wonderful trip and we had a lot of fun with David, Beth, and our new and old friends, as well as getting to share some great food and delicious wines and yummy holiday treats. Here's to new and delicious adventures in 2012.

New Year's Trip: Day 5: San Fran to Reno and Happy New Year!

We had to be up in time to meet our friend Josh for breakfast in San Francisco. We followed Aprille's recommendation to visit Mama's, a breakfast cafe that always has a line. We waited for an hour and a half, and it was nice because we took that opportunity to talk with Josh and catch up. It is always a little difficult if the restaurant is too efficient because you're trying to talk while voraciously cramming omelets in your face. As we got to second in line, a man exiting the restaurant with his family said to everyone in line, "it's worth it!" A boost! Luckily it was a nice sunny day in the city, despite being winter.

It took almost another half hour to get seated, but in the meantime we placed our order and got a breakfast bread, some crumb cake and a sour cream blueberry cake (they were both really soft and scrumptious). When we got up to the counter the guy in charge of the register told us the longest line was between three and four weeks--seriously, though 3 hours.

I ordered an Italian omelet with garlic jack cheese mushrooms fresh basil and pancetta. Gregory ordered another Benedict, this one with prosciutto and tomatoes over an English muffin. I don't know if it was the wait, or anticipation, but the food was really good.

Overall, Mama's was amazing, but I don't know if I want to do this again. Mostly because there are a million restaurants of similar quality in San Francisco, and I feel like I should exhaust all the other options before I start a revisitation tour. If I happen by again and the line isn't too long, I can see myself jonesing for an order of one of their many signature French Toasts.

We had a fairly long drive to Reno and so we said farewell to Josh and left for our next stop: lunch! ...in Sacramento. After a couple of hours we weren't hungry at all, but nonetheless met a friend of David's at Bernardo's Cafe. It was nice afternoon with some nice conversation with Corey, as Gregory and I split a grilled salmon sandwich and sipped a, get this: hot apple chai. After lunch was over, I got a soy latte to go and Gregory got a regular chai latte to go. Neither were particularly exciting. We enjoyed the sandwich, but their drinks need some work.

We said goodbye to Corey and to San Francisco and headed to Reno. The drive was without incident and we didn't stop again until we got to a rest stop at Donner Summit, just above Reno. Basically we stopped in order to fulfill the tradition of eating a tourist. The hunt was quick, the kill was clean and the tourist was delicious, but we didn't want to fill up on the ultimate game. My sister had just texted to let me know she had picked up some Papa Murphy's take and bake pizza for dinner. I love Papa Murphy's and am sad there isn't one in the Los Angeles area. For a while there was one up in Ventura, but a four-hour round trip is a bit far, no matter how good the pizza.

We arrived to my sister's lovely home, and were excitedly greeted by Beth the dog. Sad that Beth the human wasn't with us, but at least we had an equally gregarious "Beth-entity" to fill the void. Being New Year's Eve, we played games (board games, not emotional mind games) and drank warming drinks, and just before midnight we broke out the funny hats, and champagne and counted down with Ryan Seacrest and Dic Clark, who had been dug up and reanimated just in time to ring in 2012. Then we blew the noise makers and banged pots and pans. My dad didn't bring his black powder rifle this year, though, so no deafening blast. We would have to count on our vibrant air horns and loud fashion to compensate.

2011 was a pretty good year, but I'm looking forward to 2012. I feel it is going be even more interesting and rewarding year. Even if it ends in a zombie apocalypse, it sure will make next year's Christmas interesting, "Oh brains! You shouldn't have... nom, nom, nom."

New Years Trip: Day 4: St. Helena

Our final day of the Napa tour began at 8AM; it was a chilly 54 degrees and slightly overcast with a chance of rain.  The Napa Best Western was far superior to the Best Western in Seaside. I think they were completely relying on the fact that they were next to ocean.  You pay for waves there, not for room quality. Anyway, our continental breakfast included hard-boiled eggs and a waffle station, which made it more than continental, though I wouldn't go so far as to say it was interplanetary, so let's settle on continental-plus.

As soon as breakfast was over we headed to our first stop: lunch! Our wine tasting schedule was tight, since we had two appointments back to back right around lunchtime, so we would have to grab lunch in advance and eat it in a couple of hours (there were no restaurants near our two appointments). We stopped at an old-timey burger stand, previously called Taylor's Refreshers, but is now called Gott's Roadside. Though the original Taylor's sign is still up.  Probably just a matter of time before they tear it down to replace it with some neon light-up sign with a chainsaw rocket eating a dragon guitar or something.

Our first wine tasting of the day was at our favorite place: David Fulton. They make one kind of wine: Petite Syrah, and they make it better than anyone. Stephanie was our flavor engineer, and took us on a grand tour which included a few wines from her neighbors, a Sauvignon Blanc, something called One Last Kiss which was really nice crisp and drinkable white blend, a Zinfandel, and a Cabernet. And they all lead up to the Fulton '07, '08 and the '08 sweet petite (a port-style wine). The biggest surprise was how well the sweet petite paired with mint, of all flavors. Who would have thought wine and mint would go together? After we relished in the glory of our personal favorite (the '08), we took a little tour, where she discussed their process, how the equipment is used, and then showed us the 2011 wine resting in their barrels in the cellar (I'mma gonna drink that one day). David Fulton is a 150 year old winery and one of the oldest wineries in the valley.

One of the highlights of the tour was Trigger, the black lab. She was so friendly and wanted two things: to be petted and chase her tennis ball. Stephanie and Trigger were excellent hosts as we walked the grounds. The light mist provided a comforting ambience and Trigger tore through the mustard growing in the tracks between the now empty vines chasing after the ball.

We stayed at David Fulton as long as we possibly could, and finally had to leave in order to meet Christophe at the Titus winery. A tall, handsome and easy going fellow, he gave us the tasty tour of their Sauvignon Blanc, Zinfandel, two Cabernets (a Franck and a Sauvignon), and a Syrah and a Petite Syrah. One of the things that is so fascinating about these wine tours, particularly of the smaller vineyards and wineries, is learning the history of the land, of the family who built it, and how they seek to develop their businesses into the 21st century. Christophe's tasting room was in a converted porch overlooking the vineyard. The porch was at the back of a very neat and inviting farmhouse, which just begged you to come in and have a glass of something.

It was time to have our lunch and we sat in the car eating our delicious sandwiches from Gott's Roadside. I had a sourdough burger covered in cheese bacon and some kind of delicious barbecue sauce. Gregory had an ahi burger that was really good. Beth got a turkey burger with cheese and some kind of delicious chutney and David had a cobb salad that had huge chunks of fresh chicken. This food was really good now, and I can only imagine how incredible it is when it's hot and fresh. Best roadside drive-in ever!

Our next appointment was at the Tedeschi family winery and the owner Emil was our host. Older and a bit shy, but clearly hardworking man led us through their process. This was a much smaller winery than the others. In fact at the end of the tasting, he pulled out the bottles and had to put labels on them before selling them to us. This was one of the most unique tastings of the trip. We started of with a Rose that was, get this, big and luscious. He led us through a few Cabernets, different years, and a lovely Syrah, but the biggest surprise of all was the dessert wine. I don't know if our taste buds were just in freakout by now, but this was one of the most lovely mellow sweet wines, not at all syrupy and not even really that sweet. He didn't have any that he could sell us though since they only made about 6 cases.

We bade the Tedeschi winery a bientot and headed to Heitz Cellars for some of what Beth recalled as amazing Cabernet. Perhaps this year was not their year, or perhaps our tastebuds were just completely shot by now, but their wines just weren't doing it for us. They did have a port that intrigued us enough to buy a bottle, however, and they have a lovely tasting room, also with a dog.  But this dog was a little high strung and not nearly as friendly as Trigger. I don't mean to play favorites, but I'll take the happy to see me dog with the slobbery tennis ball any day over a prissy dachshund mix that was so rude, it didn't even ignore me.

We had a while until dinner so we walked around downtown St. Helena. We stopped in a really yummy chocolate store, got a $2 chocolate that was definitely worth $2 of yum (I had rum-raisin and Gregory had a hazelnut milk chocolate; David tried a black cherry). We also stopped into an olive-oil store. Yes, they just sold olive oil, but that is something that some of the wineries around here also do.  In fact Titus also sold olive oil, but they were completely sold out. They only had a sampler for us to try and then disappoint, because it was REALLY good olive oil.

We stopped into a store that had olive oil among other things (like tapenades and sauces), but as one lady put it. "Hmm, it tastes just like oil." As in, unspectacular and boring. She and I found the owner and locking arms started shouting, "Booo!" until they agreed to close their doors forever!  Actually that didn't happen because you can buy Oliver's Olive Oils at Williams Sonoma. But why would you want to?

The good olive oil store had a pretty amazing selection of stuff. Flavored oils, as well as various balsamic vinegars, some honey and even truffle honey.

We ducked into a chatchka shop, and about the same time, Chris Parnell and his wife also wandered in, so we shopped and joked and knocked over displays and stole people's lunch money. His wife was pretty horrified. We decided we should probably part ways for the night, so they got back in their limo and took off into the night. Gregory and I went back in and bought a santa ornament (it was 50% off) to show our good will toward the shop. The owner was mad at all the damage. We also made sure to ask for an employment application before we left.

Our dinner tonight was at Cindy's Backstreet Kitchen, one of the four restaurants by owner of Mustard's Grill, Chef Cindy Pawleyn. We all wanted seven things each, but limited ourselves to two appetizers to share, one entree each, and one dessert also to share. We started with an order of oysters which were covered in garlic and melted cheese, which can make anything taste wonderful, and polenta fries, which were really interesting: big and thick like pillars. This was another meal of amazing. Beth ordered the duck burger, David ordered the quail, Gregory ordered meatloaf, and I had the pasta special which was a fancy delicious take on mac-n-cheese. I won't go into details, but we passed around bites of our meal, took pictures of everything including my pear-cognac based sidecar (delicious!) and Beth's spicy Gin and cilantro martini (scrumptious!). At the end of the meal, our dessert was a caramel pineapple upside down cake that we tore into like savage starving dogs. I think our wait-master, Tim (who, like Mo the night before, was (and likely still is) awesome), was surprised and perhaps a little nervous how quickly we dissected that meal to the last atom in record time.

Now, we have checked into our hotel, Beth has been put on an overnight bus back to Los Angeles (she is leaving for Vegas in the morning), and we are happy and tired at the end of a very satisfying day.  Tomorrow we head to Reno to relax and spend some time with family and share the results of our tasty adventures.

New Years Trip: Day 3: Napa

Just to warn you, you're going to read a lot things described as "amazing" today.  Day 3 began with an early departure.  We needed to be on the road by 8AM because we had a three hour drive to Napa from Monterey (with potential pit stops and vista pointe (pr. "pointy") picture stops). The morning began crisp and cool as we left the Best Western at Seaside, picked up David from his room and went to pick up Beth from Mira and Glen's.

With Beth in the car, we were well on our way, passing by the restaurant with the big concrete Artichoke near Hollister, contemplating whether or not we should stop there for breakfast despite some of the lackluster reviews, when Beth realized that her camera battery was not in her bag.  And due to the fact that many of our appointments in the various wineries were due to her blogging and vlogging and twittering on Busy Beth's Blog about food, wine and various fun things to do and places of interest, we had to go back for it.

Luckily we weren't very far out of town. Due to this setback, however, our delicious dilemma was solved by returning to the Breakfast Club, which enabled me to try the Egg Nog Pecan Baked French Toast, which was pretty damn amazing. It also came with two eggs and bacon or sausage, which was unexpected as I had braced my blood sugar for a morning spike, but it ended up being only part of this complete breakfast. Other people ordered other stuff that I'm sure was good. The thing that was so amazing about my amazing French Toast is that it sounds-tooth rotting sweet, but it wasn't at all. Lots of flavor without the overwhelming sweetness. It was amazing!

We finally made it on the road headed toward Napa and our first appointment at Hendry Wineries at 1:30PM. As we neared our appointment, we passed through Gilroy and we opened the car windows to be greeted by the delicious and not-at-all-overpowering smell of garlic, something the entire car agreed was welcome, inviting images of delicious breads and savory dishes.

Being winter the clouds were low enough to be a high fog. It made the air hazy and wintry, as much as California can get: pine trees and other ever greens interspersed with deciduous trees of two varieties, the ones that can't be fooled and were therefore bare, and the ones that had difficulty deciding what season it was, with a smattering of green and some half turned leaves. The haze across the hillsides made everything appear somewhat gray, but somehow soft, perhaps fuzzy, like mold.

Despite the setback we arrived about an hour early, so we headed up the road to Hess winery. It was a beautiful facility, and as we headed toward the tasting room, there were big stone walls covered with old bare vines, a goldfish pond and nice lush and inviting landscaping. The entrance to the tasting room was elegantly decorated with large spruce trees covered in fake snow. Our pourer, or tasting engineer, was a lovely young lady whose name I can't recall, so let's just say her name was Appelonia. They had some very nice wines, but we had to get going to our next appointment, so we didn't purchase any.

The main appointment for the day was at Hendry's Winery. We passed by an old run-down abandoned looking house and drove to the tasting room. Our appointment was with Jeff and this was one of the most amazing wine-related experiences any of us have had. He talked about the history of the wines, the history of the winery, cork, and some of their new methods of wine making that have helped develop and continue to champion.  He is a mechanical engineer and the winery owner George Hendry was an electrical engineer and they worked together on technology that is used in PET scans and cancer research. Aside from the wine, he was a fascinating person!

Jeff talked about the depletion of cork and the unpredictability of it versus the discs inside some screw cap wines which can precisely control the amount of oxygen allowed into the wine bottle. And further explained the advantage to these discs over synthetic corks, being that synthetics don't breathe at all, which is not desired either. He talked about each wine as we tried it in such detail, even if you didn't care much for, or didn't know much about wine, you would have to be a damned fool to not have learned something.

He talked about what to expect if you were to own a vineyard and how much money you would need, and pretty much talked us out of ever wanting to own one (not that it was ever on my list, but still). For example if you plant a new grape vine: 3 years until it bears fruit, then 4 years until it gets out of its adolescent stage, and once adult, the wine would be bottled for 2 - 3 years before it was drinkable, so 10 years before you get anything drinkable out of it.

They had some really amazing wines and after the tasting we got a tour of the grounds, the facility and got to see the room where their wines are barreled. He let us smell a barrel that was in good condition and a barrel that had "gone bad." I expected it would smell of vinegar, but it smelled like acetone!  The good barrel smelled sooo good.

One last thing I wanted to mention about Hendry's was the wine naming.  Being that both Jeff and George were engineers, their wine names lacked a bit of creativity, for example their bordeaux mixture, rather than being called something like "Bored Doe" as Jeff once suggested, or also Menage a Cinc (French for five since this was a five-wine combo) it was simply called "Red." And their special mixture of Zinfandel from Block 7 and Block 22 were called: "Block 7 & 22 Zinfandel." But getting a little insight into their personalities gave these names a little distinctive charm. They had some nice CAD maps of the property too.

It also turned out the vineyard owner George lived in that rundown house we passed. He also seemed like quite the character, though we didn't get to meet him.

This took the majority of the afternoon and so well worth our time.  But we managed to cram in one final stop and that was at the Napa Cellars and Folie a Deux (makers of the Menage a Trois - a simple but very drinkable wine). Dean was our guy and he gave us the grand tour. Gregory and I had learned of Napa Cellars from the wine tasting at Palermo where we tried the 2007 Cabernet.  We bought a couple of bottles of 2009 Cab, a special limited Syrah, a big beefy Zin, as well as some Muscat (or as I like to call it Muskrat).

For dinner we had one of the most amazing meals this year, if not of all time. Mustards Grill is one of the best restaurants in the Napa Valley, and when we asked Dean about it he raved.  Light sticks and all.  It is described as "Casual yet refined Truckstop fare."  Everything has an air of fun and confidence.  They know the food is good enough so they can have a sense of levity.  many of the items on the menu are labeled A.Q. (as quoted (by the server)). The wine list is labeled "All the wine that's fit to drink."  And the cocktail of the day bears the additional description of "Ask your server about today's 'experiment' (it's alive! ALIVE!)."  I ordered one of those and it was a sidecar, and it came alive and drove around inside my mouth. We ordered a couple of appetizers: the Ahi Tuna Crackers with wasabi creme fraiche and soy vinaigrette. The tuna was pepper seared, the tuna was so fresh and flavorful, even the peppery crust was amazing; the crackers had both regular and toasted sesame seeds.  it was topped with basil and green onions.  We also ordered crispy calamari with a curry slaw and fresno chilies, which Gregory thought was the best calamari ever.

I ordered the "Truckstop Deluxe: Always meat, often potatoes, rarely vegetables." This was a T-bone steak with some light mash and some of the most amazing broccoli.  It was smoky and had spicy red pepper chile flakes. Gregory ordered the Mongolian Pork Chop with sweet & sour red cabbage and a house made mustard.  It was the best pork chop ever.  And before you argue about, "I had a really good pork chop at so and so," please consider this: fuck you.  Until you eat a pork chop at a Michelin recommended restaurant, keep your stupid pork chop to yourself.

David ordered one of the most transcendent looking hamburgers, which is one of their specialties; really good fries too. Beth ordered a lemon and garlic chicken that had the best chicken skin. Gregory wanted to order just a plate of it, and I have a feeling they would have accommodated. Mo was our waitress and she was awesome.

For dessert, oh yes, there was dessert: creme brûlée (yes, some of the best) and it was served with a walnut cookie, that was amazing and even moreso when consumed together. We also ordered a waffle topped with berry business and (get this) cardamom ice cream. We also ordered lemon-lime tart with brown sugar meringue. The meringue was piled about a foot high, which we discovered when we found a foot in it.  Needless to sway, the foot was grilled to perfection, and was the best foot any of us had ever eaten.

We need to sleep now because we have a full day of drinking wine and more amazing food planned for tomorrow.  Now off to some happy or weird dreams. I welcome both.

But first I have to beat up Gregory because he keeps reading menus of other amazing restaurants we will be visiting in the days to come, and I keep hearing things like, "ooh tarragon basil butter," and "ooh this sounds good! prosciutto tomato benedict!". To the moon!

Joey and Splashes

New Years Trip: Day 2: Monterey

Our second day began after a short night's sleep.  The conversation with Mira and Glen lasted in to the wee hours, but not too wee, but still insufficient.

So we prepared ourselves for departure and our first stop was breakfast: The Breakfast Club.  This was a pretty basic place, nothing particularly fancy, but they had quite the impressive selection of benedicts: crab cake, corned beef hash, salmon and many more. The hollandaise was flowing by the bucketful.  I got an omelette with a biscuit and gravy and a side of hash browns.  The biscuit and gravy was particularly good.  We also ordered one of their specialities: Bananas Foster French toast.  Equally intriguing, but we didn't have room for it was the egg-nog pecan baked French toast (they had quite a selection of Frenched toasts as well).

We ate more than we should, but you're supposed to eat like a king at breakfast right?  In true Fisher fashion we discussed where we would eat breakfast the following day before the current gorge-fest adjourned.

Our next stop took us on a lovely walk to Lover's Point (apparently shortened from Jesus Lovers Point). It did seem as though there were a lot of nuns around, perhaps not coincidentally.  The ocean cooperated spectacularly: it crashed photogenically against the rocky coast and did the cute little oceany things you expect it to do. It was adorable, all posing and whooshy.  We saw seals beached like fuzzy slugs and otters who were no doubt doing something cute but were too far out in the ocean for us to see clearly.

The sun came out and it was quite warm (not that warm, but enough to at least remove the winter coat I brought).  Given the continuous walking and having the opportunity to push Mira and Glen's daughter Kyna in the stroller kept my body temperature at an even keel. I was just happy that Kyna didn't seem as terrified of me as the last time we met. She hardly screamed at all at the mere site of me.

There was a cove that must have captured the heat well since several people were playing on the beach as if it were July, and children frolicked in the waves.  They were either from Alaska and this was warm to them, or they were completely insane.  It would explain their howls of laughter, their sad and terrible howls of mad laughter.  It would also explain why the dead seal floating on the waves nearby didn't seem to bother them.

We walked back to the car and drove to downtown Monterey to wander the Fisherman's Wharf and meet up with John, Terry and Lara Fisher.  We wandered down restaurant row sampling the clam chowder the restaurants were using to try and lure us in.  We weren't falling for it, though.  We had plans on visiting the Museum Of Monterey, or MOM.

MOM had a really cool display / fundraiser idea: miniatures.  There were tons of them, and tons of different styles, local, regional, amateur and professional and running the gamut from paintings or drawings, photos, to small sculptures, and in a variety of media, styles and subject matter.  The idea was you could purchase raffle tickets, and each participating work had a box under it where you would put your tickets.  If your ticket is chosen, you win that work.  It's a pretty brilliant idea, and many of the works were really interesting, so we bought 7 tickets for $30, and chose which works we wanted.  They initially told me to come back tomorrow, but I told him we were leaving town, and that I had already scoped out my selections, so I would only take me a minute.  I'm sure he was happy to have one last sale for the day.

By now it was beginning to get dark and we had our sites and appetites set on dinner.  Mira, Kyna and Beth and the rest of the Fisher clan departed for Mira's.  Gregory, David and I found a Thai restaurant that seemed pretty good. We often get the same things at Thai restaurants to judge their quality.  They had really good Tom Kah soup and the rice was good.  The mild Panang was more like a medium.  It had a good flavor though, and I would have to say 3.5 out of 5.

We are wrapping up today a bit early since tomorrow we have to depart for Napa, which will be a good 3 hour drive.

Around Monterey Day 2

Joe & Beth have been onioned

Day 1: New Year's Trip: The Leavinging

I'm calling this the New Year's Trip, since that is the culmination of our vacation.  It is the 3rd day of Christmas, the 27th of December and we are en route to our ultimate destination: Reno and a small mini extra belated Christmas with my family and to celebrate New Years.  We will first spend some time in Monterey and then some time in Napa before arriving in the Biggest Little City (Sin City's whorish younger sister).

We have with us Beth Fisher and David Sobolov, the four of us traveling in a rental car, a silver Chevy Malibu.  Gregory did the driving for this first leg of our journey and was lamenting the non-use of his far superior car (the Ford Fusion), though happy he avoided the wear and tear of a long driving trip.

There is not too much to report this first day as it was primarily driving with few stops.  The first was lunch, as we got on the road out from Los Angeles around 2PM and were starving, we stopped in Camarillo at Brendan's Irish Pub.  This place seems like a chain at first glance, but only because all the decor has such cohesion.  The food is really good and they have so many little extras, special events, bands and a whiskey club, that I seriously am sad there isn't a location nearer to where we live.  A Burbank location would be perfect.

We stopped to pee at the Madonna Inn.  If you haven't been to this place, you need to stop here.  It is crazy, and at Xmas time, I would say this is doubly so.  I don't know if I can begin to describe this beyond David's remark, "it looks like the 60's threw up all over."  But I may venture further to help you draw this picture: Haunted Mansion at Valentine's.  There's something malevolent about that retro decor. It's so aggressively cheery.  Lights, xmas scenes, big gaudy ornaments on garlands topped with batting to substitute for snow.  (Sidebar: Christmas is strange, let's bring trees and a fabric approximation of snow inside of our house!)  They have a bathroom with a urinal latrine that is made of rock and has a big waterfall.  I don't know what to say about this place, only that I imagine everything here costs a lot.  I'm surprised they didn't have a bathroom attendant.  Don't get me wrong, they could have used one (since people seem to like to pee on the floor and all over the toilets in public restrooms (why is this? you do know that you don't own it after, right?)).

We continued our drive listening to a book on tape, and stopped again at a Mediterranean restaurant called Jaffa Cafe, in a residential neighborhood in some town.  It had undeserved four stars on Yelp, but we walked in anyway.  The food was good, but not four-stars-good, however the staff was four-stars nice, and the serving girl had four-stars boobies.  I just had a couple of appetizers, falafel and stuffed grape leaves.  They had a strange system of filling out a card, as in check the box of what you want, we make it, you eat it, then you pay for whatever you had.  It was strange, but unique and different.

We arrived in Monterey to the wonderful site of Mira and Glen and their lovely home, where were plied into friendly conversation with drinks and a cat (two things against which I am helpless).  I surrendered gratefully and we chatted and laughed about various things and fun stories, none of which I intend to share, since they wouldn't make any sense now out of context.  Beth is staying with them, and Gregory, David and I have a hotel a couple of miles away.  Tomorrow we meet for breakfast.

It's time.

"Weird Al" Yankovic - Polka Face

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Drivecation 0-11: Day 13 - Home again

Our last day was a blur of excitement.  We stayed one night in San Fran at an extended stay hotel.  The room was nice enough and we had an early breakfast with Josh.  The cracks began to show as our culinary gorge-fest was winding down.  Who serves a crepe filled with strawberry and pineapple?  It didn't work.  It doesn't work.  Don't do it again.  I stuck the entire plate on a stake and lit it on fire as a warning to future diners.

But we were there for the company.  It was really nice to visit with Josh again, and hopefully we can make another trip so we can spend more time.  After we left, I was sucked by a violent wind into the Halloween shop, which was next door.  We got a lot of good ideas for this year (Invitations will go out soon!).

We left for the Disney Family Museum, which is operated by the Disney Family, and the exhibit is of the entire life of Walt, the man.  From his early childhood all the way through his death.  There are two or three huge rooms before you even get to the creation of Oswald.  It's one of the coolest museums I have been to.  All the information was presented in such unique and interesting ways, and as technology progressed throughout the century, so did the technology with how they presented the information.  From simple audio broadcasts to eventually touch screen, and other interactive technology.  I don't know how little kids would like this, but pre-teens on up would enjoy it.  It was like walking through a biography special.  Highly recommended.

Time for lunch!  Our final recommendation from the couple we met in Eureka: Sushi Ran in Sausilito.  It was a very nice restaurant located around a bunch of other nice shops near the water.  The menu was pretty traditional, but he combined--I hesitate to "ordinary," but I already used the word "traditional," and the quality of the fish was anything but "ordinary," seriously some of the best sushi I have ever had!--ordinary ingredients in new and fun ways.  There was eel, with cucumber and tamago, which is the sweet egg (think scrambled egg omlette in a rectangle shape), so you have this warm delicious eel and rice and seaweed, and then a crunchy cucumber and suddenly the sweet egg, which works so well, since eel sauce is itself sweet--I believe it's made with sugar and soy.  It was really yummy.  Then we had a creamy scallop roll, which was made with scallops and crack.  We debated if we should order a palette of those.  Sooo good.

And the tea!  It was nice to go to a Japanese restaurant that actually has a modest assortment of tea.  Nothing crazy, but there were a couple of different herbal infusions, as well as green, white, and black flavors to choose from.  I'm so sick of the cheap-ass brown-rice green tea being the only option in LA.  Can't you at least offer some cheap-ass jasmine tea?  We all know you can buy that shit cheap.  Why the hold-out?

We had never been to Sausilito before and it was nice, except for all the cyclists we ran over.  God, the screaming!  So annoying.

By this time, it was getting late, and it was going to be tight if we were going to make it to Cupertino to buy some Apple merch.  You seriously think we're going to pass up that opportunity?  Why do you think we came this way?  We made it there just before closing, praise Jesus.  But last minute shopping cram wasn't over, because there are Outlets in Gilroy.  No, no, my friends, not just garlic, but also savings opportunities, and lord knows we didn't spend enough money on crap already.

By this point, like my writing aptitude in this essay, I was done.  Put me in the teleport machine and get me home.  Unfortunately that teleport machine was going to take five hours, and one of us would have to operate it continuously.  By this point, there was no way we were going to make it before midnight.  Work tomorrow was going to suck.  For our official final meal of our vacation, it was a double-double at In N Out.  It was delicious.

The trip back was uneventful.  We listened to an audio book for a while, and when Gregory was starting to get a little sleepy, I took over driving and we talked the rest of the drive home.  We arrived home around 1AM, and dropped all of our bags in the front room, to the combined delight and terror of the cats (aah! who are these people?, and yay! a jungle gym!).  We collapsed, ready to let the post vacation sugar plums, dance in our heads.  Portland was nice.  I'm intrigued enough to visit again in a serious way--not just a casual date, but a date-date.  There are many things still to do, most notably the seven-million-picture flip-book that needs photoshopped.  We look forward to seeing our friends again, too, of course.  But I have a feeling the next time we visit, we're going to fly.

Drivecation 0-11: Day 12: Unexpected Detour

This morning we retaliated like Twisted Sister when we awoke to more gray skies, white foggy blur, and cold, wet weather.  We're not gonna take it...anymooore!  We ate our hotel's complimentary full breakfast, which included the following: B&G, a pancake machine, scrambled eggs, potatoes, cereals, some pitiful pastries, bananas that looked half beat to death, a variety of juices, milk and coffee.  It's part of your complete hospital breakfast.  We selected some of the least offensive items, and picked at them until we realized, "who are we kidding?"  We threw that shit away and left.  A for effort, but we had new plans for the day and were excited to get going:

Our ultimate destination for today was San Francisco, and since our dinner plans with Joshy changed to breakfast plans tomorrow, we had the rest of today to adventure. We decided to leave the miserable coast, who just didn't get the memo that it's summer, and headed inland toward the Napa Valley and wine country, USA.  Sorry coast, it's not me, it's you.  You need to work on your issues, and I'm going to go get blasted.

We were sad to discover the road from Fort Braggamemnon to the Napa Valley was another windy road, but this time, I can use the adjective treacherous.  The speed limits on many of these roads was 55, which was very generous and possibly daring, as if the highway department were given the job of population control.  There were some seriously dangerous blind turns and descending S curves where if you made a turn just a little too wide while another car was coming the other way--or as we encountered many times, a giant truck with highway-fixin' gear--blammo.

We managed to make it to the northern part of the wine country without dying or vomiting.  We would have to be content with living healthy lives.  Ugh.

So one of the things which most excited me about the wine country, aside from EVERYTHING!, was there was one particular winery whose wine I had at a tasting at Palermo back in January or so.  The winery was one of the oldest and the only made one thing: Petite Syrah, and this is the most amazing wine I have ever had.  It just stood head and shoulders above all the other wines we tasted and I was excited to travel to the winery and see it for myself.  A little research showed they only do tastings by appointment, and it was pretty expensive.  I was apprehensive to spend $45 per person to taste the wine, especially since Gregory isn't very interested in it--though I felt he would like this.  And it was our anniversary... he talked me into it, saying, "Let's just do it.  Who cares?"

We tried the 2006 and the 2007 and the even let us try a barrel sample of something they call the Sweet Petite, which is a port-like wine that was just fabulous and interesting and plain delicious.  We also joined their wine club and bought a few 375's.

After that, we stopped at a lunch place that had over 600 Yelp reviews and still had 4 1/2 stars.  Amazing!  And it was!  The key lime pie was something special there.  Our food was really good, but that pie was spectacular.  Our waitress was really nice.  I wanted to take her home, but apparently kidnapping is frowned upon.  Besides I really couldn't think of what I would need a waitress for.  I decided to let her stay and she seemed very grateful to be let out of the trunk.

We decided to cruise quickly into the city of Napa and then over to it's rival Sonoma.  The war between them must have waned, because it appeared they had stopped firing canons at each other.  That must be what happens when the wineries close at 5:30.  We frantically searched for the slutty wineries that stayed open later and we found a black-laced Nicholson Ranch that wooed us in with some pinots, but sealed deal with their merlot, a surprising move I didn't expect to like.  We also bought a clock from them.  Because.

After that we headed in to San Fran over the Golden Gate as the fog was rolling in.  Oh great.  More fog. Well at least here, you can expect shitty weather year round.  We had scoped our our restaurant of choice, with the help of the lovely couple a few nights prior, and parked.  Gregory had the idea to swing on over to the Disney store for some merch, and insisted it's not that far.  Oh, sure only a couple of miles in the freezing cold wind.  And to make matters worse, we elected to head down Market street, the urine-soaked homeless crazy magnet.  And they were out in full force.

We made it to the Disney store and I ducked out to make a quick loop through the Macy's clearance racks--meh, it was a very quick loop, and we reconvened.  I have decided that I hate San Francisco, or at least I was all set to, when, as Gregory and I met up on the street, some trumpet player was belting out some jazz somewhere up the street and it echoed off the buildings and sounded so haunting and so "city."  We set out for our anniversary dinner at the gourmet restaurant recommendation: Absinthe.

We had a 9PM reservation and were there exactly on time.  Steak tare-tare was on the menu and was irresistible and delicious.  Gregory ordered the Hawaiian Opah (Sun Fish) with Blue Prawns.  I had the Lamb Shoulder Confit, and a wine that was a Cab-Merlot-Syrah mix (like a transformer).  Everything was delicious, amazingly delicious.  The Opah was flavorful and unlike anything I had in recent memory.  The lamb was so delicate you didn't even need a knife.  For dessert, I ordered the Manjari Chocolate Mousse, which featured raspberries and a rooibos tea sauce.  Gregory had buttermilk Panna Cotta with a basil meringue, and a layer of strawberry and some crunchy shit.  Oh my god.  It was BEWILDERINGLY amazing.  I just wanted to cry it was so delicious.  The flavors were flying!  The sensations of a delicious meal just enveloped our entire being.  It was a wonderful end to our vacation and a beautiful anniversary dinner.