Va-cayman-tion 2012: The Cruisening: Day 8 - Final Day at Sea

This morning I intended to wake up and go to the gym before breakfast, but I overslept and since we planned to meet, I would have to rearrange my schedule. No problem. My only goal for the day was to spend as much time as possible in the sun and humidity. I was feeling a little guilty having taken a couple of days off. By this point in the cruise, even the ship feels fat. Which makes sense, being full of left overs, passed overs, and keeled overs.

We decided to have breakfast in the sit-down restaurant and it really wasn't worth it. There was only one unique thing about this experience and that was something called Nordlinger Bread or something like that, Nordhoff or whatever. It wasn't on the other menu. It was a dark dense, oaty, wheaty bread, that had a really nice flavor, healthy, just a touch of cinnamon. The waiter brought us a couple of pieces. Other than that, it was the same old shit. The only difference being that we had to wait for them to bring it to us, rather than just going to the buffet and shoveling it into our feed bags on our own. Go to the sit down restaurant if you want a slightly better illusion of portion control (or just order multiple entrees to continue your shame pattern).

After breakfast we split for a few hours so I could hit the sun deck and figure out my plan for the day. I intended to go to the gym, but as I laid there in the heat and humidity, I began to realize that it wasn't going to happen.

For lunch we went to buffet and I got a ruben from the deli. I was behind a family who had the cutest little girl. She had blond curls and dark prominent eye lashes and big brown eyes. The dad told me she was two and she was engrossed in a serious game, playing "got your nose." It was a little more like a tournament. But she would take the nose and then eat it, then pull it out of her mouth and put it back on. Clearly this family is teaching their daughter to be a bird. "Now regurgitate Daddy's nose, honey."

But the most disturbing part was she didn't stop at the nose. She took his lip and his tongue, and I think she may have seen that article of the man eating the other man's face. I wonder if she, too, dreamed of S. Epatha Merkerson and didn't know why.

Again we split and and I went out on the sun deck to do my lobster impression. Yes I got burned. I got my wish. I was thinking of getting some sunburn tattoos, coming up with a pattern and etching it into my skin with the sun. That would be fun. A bunch of people were walking around with hollowed out pineapples presumably filled with pina colada. By the time I admitted to myself that I wanted one, they were out of the pineapple shells. I decided at that point it was a sign I had enough for the trip and just drank water all afternoon.

For dinner we had reservations for the Sun King Steakhouse. I got a prime cut and Gregory ordered a flank cut. Jill ordered surf and turf. Sadly her lobster wasn't as good as a few nights ago, but her filet was excellent. Gregory's was really, really good, and I would say that my cut was great. They had some incredible mashed potatoes, probably a ratio of 3 to one, as in 3 sticks of butter to 1 potato. It was really good, though whipped too smooth to win the ultimate potatoes. That honor now resides at Sweet Tea in Key West. My steak was pretty big, and by the time I had eaten half, I felt like I had stuff myself with an entire cow leg. Well, I did also have tuna tare-tare as an app, followed by a tomato gorgonzola salad, so it is possible that may have also contributed to my fullness. There was no way I could eat another bite. I was already stuffed to the point of delirium.

For dessert, they had to back Gregory's cheesecake out with those orange light sticks normally used to guide airplanes to the gate. They had apparently chipped this off a cheesecake iceberg. It stood about four feet tall and said "mama," and was surrounded by chocolate swirls. It was very light and fluffy. Possibly the second best cheesecake ever? Best still goes to Pain. Vin. Fromage. in Paris. I ordered the chocolate sampler, which had four cups about the size of votive candle holders, which contained, banana panna cotte topped with champagne sorbet, a chocolate ganache topped with hazelnut ice cream (this was my personal favorite), tiramisu, and mango cardamom ice cream with a chocolate berry shazam. It was all so decadent. I wanted to throw myself on the table, and just have a tantrum. I just didn't know how else to react.

I went with my other option and said thank you and left the restaurant. I was tempted to ask for a wheelchair, but decided I really need to try to remember how to walk.

When we returned to the room, we packed up all our stuff, and surprisingly only purchased the rum and rum cakes. It made the declaration form a breeze. Now as our floating Gomorrah hotel of gluttony, excess, and other earthly delights speeds toward Fort Lauderdale, we are surprised and lulled to sleep by a beautiful lightning storm in the distance, flashes across the sky, bright jagged bolts to the ground of far away islands. And we fall asleep at sea, the last night of our cruise, our full tummies turning all that delicious food into poo.

We dock at 6AM and hopefully are off the boat by 6:01. Tomorrow's destination: Key Largo, and a recommendation for REAL key lime pie. Cause apparently the pie they tote in Key West is a giant fucking fraud.